Saturday, October 20, 2007
A new journal
I have started a new online journal. Its much more personal than the stuff I write on here, if anyone is interested send me an email with something more than "Hey whats yr new blog?"
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
boys, boys, boys...
I hate this place, I always feel like I'm justifying myself. I haven't kept a handwritten journal on a daily basis since I was sixteen or so, and discovered the wonderful world of online journals, I can't go back now, I just feel like I'm talking to myself. So, I guess I'm stuck with you assholes and you're stuck with me.
Well, at least I have a vaugly interesting lovelife. I feel weird talking about it on here. Well, I met this boy, Erik little over two weeks ago. He is nine months younger than me, looks seventeen, nothing like anyone I've dated before really, he is clean cut looking, isn't really crazy or angry or volatile, a real gentleman, and he's never pushy, he's a martial arts guy but isn't macho, wears white shoes.
He came up to Sydney for his 21st birthday, we spent the next 24 hours together. It was nice and effortless to talk to him. We even emptied two bottles of laundry liquid into the fountain at Hyde Park.
When it comes to London, I feel an intense longing to talk to him, just anecdotes I think only he would be interested in, inside jokes. In the personality stakes I've never met anyone I was more compatible with.
Our last weekend together. What to say about it? We did all the things I enjoyed doing most with her. We stayed up till the wee hours snuggled up in bed watching DVDs. As a result we slept in till late in the day which meant the tentative plans for activities in the morning were abandoned in favour of a LATE breakfast at a local cafe. Following that we went to a second hand bookstore buried in the heart of the industrial area of this city. After that we drove across town and had tea at the live venue come restaurant where we first really got to know each other over long conversations. We stole a tea pot and went for a walk around the surrounding suburbs. After that we drove to the local supermarket where I bought groceries including the ingredients for the meal I cooked for her. After the meal we returned to bed to continue watching DVDs in each others arms. I guess I'm more for the little things than big sweeping gestures. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy being the centre of some extravagant expression of love as much as the next man but the day to day gestures and actions that make up life add up to far more in my mind. The simple pleasure in doing any ONE of these activities with her was worth more to me than any grand event or show of affection.
The conversation always came so easily. We could talk endlessly about anything whether it was our thoughts on the meaning of life, the universe and everything or the most trivial and silly of things. I never felt more at ease with or enamored of anyone. I can't express the depth of the love I felt for her. Walking around aimlessly on a chilly spring evening was a magic experience that I wish was endless. I could go on and on about the simply joys I experienced with her. How everyday I woke up beside her seemed like a blessing. How she made the daily grind of existence worth it. How she made me feel whole. Fulfilled. Complete. I won't come close to doing it justice so why try?
And now it’s over.
I feel a bit like I am just a corpse drifting down a stream, bumping into rocks along the way. I do love my life though, sincerely.
Well, at least I have a vaugly interesting lovelife. I feel weird talking about it on here. Well, I met this boy, Erik little over two weeks ago. He is nine months younger than me, looks seventeen, nothing like anyone I've dated before really, he is clean cut looking, isn't really crazy or angry or volatile, a real gentleman, and he's never pushy, he's a martial arts guy but isn't macho, wears white shoes.
He came up to Sydney for his 21st birthday, we spent the next 24 hours together. It was nice and effortless to talk to him. We even emptied two bottles of laundry liquid into the fountain at Hyde Park.
When it comes to London, I feel an intense longing to talk to him, just anecdotes I think only he would be interested in, inside jokes. In the personality stakes I've never met anyone I was more compatible with.
Our last weekend together. What to say about it? We did all the things I enjoyed doing most with her. We stayed up till the wee hours snuggled up in bed watching DVDs. As a result we slept in till late in the day which meant the tentative plans for activities in the morning were abandoned in favour of a LATE breakfast at a local cafe. Following that we went to a second hand bookstore buried in the heart of the industrial area of this city. After that we drove across town and had tea at the live venue come restaurant where we first really got to know each other over long conversations. We stole a tea pot and went for a walk around the surrounding suburbs. After that we drove to the local supermarket where I bought groceries including the ingredients for the meal I cooked for her. After the meal we returned to bed to continue watching DVDs in each others arms. I guess I'm more for the little things than big sweeping gestures. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy being the centre of some extravagant expression of love as much as the next man but the day to day gestures and actions that make up life add up to far more in my mind. The simple pleasure in doing any ONE of these activities with her was worth more to me than any grand event or show of affection.
The conversation always came so easily. We could talk endlessly about anything whether it was our thoughts on the meaning of life, the universe and everything or the most trivial and silly of things. I never felt more at ease with or enamored of anyone. I can't express the depth of the love I felt for her. Walking around aimlessly on a chilly spring evening was a magic experience that I wish was endless. I could go on and on about the simply joys I experienced with her. How everyday I woke up beside her seemed like a blessing. How she made the daily grind of existence worth it. How she made me feel whole. Fulfilled. Complete. I won't come close to doing it justice so why try?
And now it’s over.
I feel a bit like I am just a corpse drifting down a stream, bumping into rocks along the way. I do love my life though, sincerely.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
El Scorcho
It was just two days ago that I broke off ALL contact with London. Yesterday was the very first day in over three years that we didn't speak to eachother in one form or another. I keep thinking of things to tell him. I guess I'm going through some extremely long, drawn out, getting over this shit process. I've been sluggish all day, staring at the TV with my mouth open, not bothering to change out of my pyjamas. I can tell my mum is trying to stay off my back as best she can. I really wanna move out of this house. I'm thinking shitty studio apartment in the inner west.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Riot Grrrl is a fucking ghetto
Whats wrong with a girl who is a selfish cunt? Who wants to read about a nice, wholesome girl with good Christian values?
So... I am selfish because... I don't want to be friends with someone whose behaviour is similar to that of a two year old? I can't be friends with EVERYONE. Cripes.
And I think that a certain someone should be grateful that they happened to be sitting next to me when I was feeling a little affectionately drunked.
After a LONG relationship that went for... damn near three years with a downright controlling guy, I think I'm doing pretty well. And I'm enjoying my extended break. I worked very hard supporting myself, without my parents help for years, and even now, I haven't asked them for a thing. I decided I'd get a job once my money ran out, and it hasn't yet.
Thatt is the last I will say on this!
I went to Canberra for a week. I stayed with my friend John for two nights, and he spooned me. It was nice. I met this guy called Eric on Wednesday night. I gave him my number. It was a black galliano night, and during the wee hours of the morning I ate a luke warm chicken pie from a servo. Around 7am I woke up and ran to the loo, gave it a loving hug. What came out was pitch black, I wonder if it was the galliano or bile or both.
So... Eric calls me the next day plans are made and we meet up for coffee. Or... rather fancy tea. I wasn't expecting him to call, I tend to be a bit intense. To be honest I do not know what to make of him just yet. I am rather fond of him, but so far I have only a collection of facts, history, interests, the usual getting to know you bollocks. He is nine months younger than me, weird. I'm not ready for the whole relationship dealy thing. But the early stages of flirting and seduction keep me alive.
I went to the greenroom/UC bar on Friday night. There was this way cool psychedelic solo artist called Alice. I went back to London's after that... le sigh. That's a fucking trainwreck right there. I feel... desperate to maintain a relationship with him on some level but I don't really know what the new rules are. Ex sex is never a good idea, no matter how hot it is. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. London proposes we attempt the "long distance" thingi... But the more I think about how hellish it was with him at times the more that seems completely awful, however, it does fulfil my needs as in, 300 kms of space, occasional sex, and of course his company. Our sense of humour is absolutely identical, and we never, ever run out of crap to talk about. It is never boring with him. In fact, I think we enjoy eachothers company a little too much, and I think I could quite happily have just him as a friend and no others, if it weren't sort of losery. I have to stay in Sydney for at least the next five years, and I would be kidding myself if I thought a long distance thing could work that long. The problem with those is that you're always on your best behaviour and I might be thinking "Wow, he's changed Sooooo much."
Inside, more than anything else, I just have this strong desire to start afresh. I have been socialising with people I haven't talked to in years after being a completely antisocial twat for ages. And getting back with London is completely at odds with that. As much as he assures me that we don't necisarily have to live toghether and such, whenever I'm around him long enough I get frustrated by the same things that made me feel trapped when I was with him.
There was another aborted attempt to meet up with Simon. I've written him off as a lost cause because... I'm tired of chasing.
Meanwhile, I haven't had a cigarette in three days.
So... I am selfish because... I don't want to be friends with someone whose behaviour is similar to that of a two year old? I can't be friends with EVERYONE. Cripes.
And I think that a certain someone should be grateful that they happened to be sitting next to me when I was feeling a little affectionately drunked.
After a LONG relationship that went for... damn near three years with a downright controlling guy, I think I'm doing pretty well. And I'm enjoying my extended break. I worked very hard supporting myself, without my parents help for years, and even now, I haven't asked them for a thing. I decided I'd get a job once my money ran out, and it hasn't yet.
Thatt is the last I will say on this!
I went to Canberra for a week. I stayed with my friend John for two nights, and he spooned me. It was nice. I met this guy called Eric on Wednesday night. I gave him my number. It was a black galliano night, and during the wee hours of the morning I ate a luke warm chicken pie from a servo. Around 7am I woke up and ran to the loo, gave it a loving hug. What came out was pitch black, I wonder if it was the galliano or bile or both.
So... Eric calls me the next day plans are made and we meet up for coffee. Or... rather fancy tea. I wasn't expecting him to call, I tend to be a bit intense. To be honest I do not know what to make of him just yet. I am rather fond of him, but so far I have only a collection of facts, history, interests, the usual getting to know you bollocks. He is nine months younger than me, weird. I'm not ready for the whole relationship dealy thing. But the early stages of flirting and seduction keep me alive.
I went to the greenroom/UC bar on Friday night. There was this way cool psychedelic solo artist called Alice. I went back to London's after that... le sigh. That's a fucking trainwreck right there. I feel... desperate to maintain a relationship with him on some level but I don't really know what the new rules are. Ex sex is never a good idea, no matter how hot it is. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. London proposes we attempt the "long distance" thingi... But the more I think about how hellish it was with him at times the more that seems completely awful, however, it does fulfil my needs as in, 300 kms of space, occasional sex, and of course his company. Our sense of humour is absolutely identical, and we never, ever run out of crap to talk about. It is never boring with him. In fact, I think we enjoy eachothers company a little too much, and I think I could quite happily have just him as a friend and no others, if it weren't sort of losery. I have to stay in Sydney for at least the next five years, and I would be kidding myself if I thought a long distance thing could work that long. The problem with those is that you're always on your best behaviour and I might be thinking "Wow, he's changed Sooooo much."
Inside, more than anything else, I just have this strong desire to start afresh. I have been socialising with people I haven't talked to in years after being a completely antisocial twat for ages. And getting back with London is completely at odds with that. As much as he assures me that we don't necisarily have to live toghether and such, whenever I'm around him long enough I get frustrated by the same things that made me feel trapped when I was with him.
There was another aborted attempt to meet up with Simon. I've written him off as a lost cause because... I'm tired of chasing.
Meanwhile, I haven't had a cigarette in three days.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
ABORT ABORT!!
What I would like to know is how does one politely abort a budding friendship? On the internet its so fucking simple, in fact, I'm not so worried what the person thinks of me, I can be fucking brutal...
But in real life it is far, far more difficult. I couldn't bring myself to say, "Look, it's been fun, however I don't feel you are funny enough/interesting enough/smart enough/cool enough to be my friend, best of luck with your future endeavors but I just don't think this is gonna work out."
It's just not nice.
If only there was just a block button, then they'd just be like, oh where did she go? Oh well.
But in real life it is far, far more difficult. I couldn't bring myself to say, "Look, it's been fun, however I don't feel you are funny enough/interesting enough/smart enough/cool enough to be my friend, best of luck with your future endeavors but I just don't think this is gonna work out."
It's just not nice.
If only there was just a block button, then they'd just be like, oh where did she go? Oh well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
